243. With time, I have started to value more time. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 256. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. Short people with an umbrella. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. Build a bridge. 57. You were too lazy to read that number. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 177. 223. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. 34. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. - Jack London. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. I always find something funny in every situation. Those who snore always fall asleep first. I train my body. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. My chins are a stairway to heaven. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? I am enough. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Your words become your actions. It takes so little to change your life! 215. 233. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Need to send some positive energy your way? Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? I choose to stop obsessing about my body. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Youre not tequila., 5. Robert Bloch. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Erma Bombeck. 216. With a cowculator. George Burns, 253. 16. 8. 3. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. No No NOYes. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Short Funny Quotes. I am intelligent. 82. Envelope. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. Nothing, they just waved. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. 60. ". This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. 173. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. Billy Wilder. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Pat Sajak Why did the can crusher quit his job? Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. Edward A. Murphy. 66. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. 87. 136. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. 174. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. 279. 25. Flip Wilson, 263. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. So, why not team them up? Read the first word again. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. All you need is love. 131. 207. 127. 38. 119. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 21. 257. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. "If you see me talking to myself. 164. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. What do I do for a living? Being funny seems to be taking less effort. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. 9. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. The rest are too expensive. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 80. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Unit #2007 Mahwah, NJ 07430, 50 Funny Affirmations for Confidence, Motivation, and Self-Love, 39 Movies about Friendship and Being with Great People, Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes, and How to Treat, 45 Best Hobbies for Couples to Share Together, 51 Passion Project Ideas & Examples List for 2023, 21 Best Films That Explore Mental Illness, 41 Words of Encouragement for Someone in Jail, The 5 Best Vitamins for Anxiety (Our 2023 Review), 101 Toxic People Quotes to Stay Away from Negativity, 57 Strong Mom Quotes About Being a Powerful Parent, 7 Steps to Deal with Emotionally Unavailable Parents, 35 Best Songs About What Its Like to Have Anxiety. 183. 168. 48. 4. No matter what I look like. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Decomposing. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. 30. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. 70. 78. 141. And no, that's definitely not a bad thing! 278. 86. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. I am grateful for all that I have. 10. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. But it'll move up again.". Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. And a funny bone. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 214. You cant have everything, where would you put it? My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. 218. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. Frances McDormand There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Jackie Collins For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 2. Im like a postage stamp. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 67. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Can February march? I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. 233. Yeah, so is a grenade. 125. 261. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 204. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Never judge a book by its movie. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 49. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. 205. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. Start your day on a positive and lighter note with these funny daily affirmations and quotes to get you through. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. 112. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. 43. 239. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? Making everyone angry, piece of cake. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. It has nothing new to tell you. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. 225. Good morning! I am attractive just as I am. 1. 206. Unknown. Superwoman: single. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 13. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. I just go normal from time to time. Take a look! 52. Youre talking to yourself. 3. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 201. Hi! Snowballs. 55. Confidence makes me powerful. Send me the link. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 135. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. 99. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. 74. 2. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. I honor that time. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. If only common sense were more common. 81. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 146. 249. 51. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. 2. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. 5. 83. Edward A. Murphy Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. I dont suffer from insanity. 121. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I intend to live forever. Not a peli-cant. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. Why was six scared of seven? When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. In the morning, I cant get up. And get over it. I draw from my inner strength and light. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. Sometimes the M is silent. 62. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. Im describing you. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. 41. 276. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. Sincerely, the floor. 231. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I am so f*cking awesome. I dont suffer from insanity. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. Happy Birthday.". "Your mistakes don't define you.". "It's only WednesdayHang in there!". 1. I am grateful for that time. 154. Not everyone has good taste., 3. 12. Charles M. Schulz Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 149. 50. 12. 3. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. 179. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 55. 84. Milton Berle, 245. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. Breasts dont have eyes. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . 181. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] 186. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. 273. Be careful when you follow the masses. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. 155. Effective pushing often involves poop. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. Albert Einstein, 190. 196. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Steve Martin, 254. 151. Really? Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. 273. I love my job only when Im on vacation. Stop playing with me., 6. The thing is, I am still getting ready. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. A gummy bear. In the morning, I cant get up. - Roy T. Bennett. 133. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 155. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 217. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 198. Theres no stopping me now. When I can laugh at myself, life becomes so much easier. 22. 105. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 226. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 220. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. 264. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. Helen Giangregorio. Just like every Monday does on Earth. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. 153. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. health is important. Albert Einstein Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. 76. 44. Not everyone has good taste. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. It just plain forms. Enjoy! A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. It may feel useless but just get into it. 189. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. I am constantly growing and improving. Gary Delaney Wilson Mizner Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. 92. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. I never apologize. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. I didnt want to interrupt her. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. 220. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 84. - Christopher Reeve. 190. I did not trip and fall. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. Bill Murray 1. Its okay, he woke up. How do you count cows? A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". 123. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. Microchips. 172. 170. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Sometimes the M is silent. Your values become your destiny. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 148. Does it count if you say them in your mind? Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. It just plain forms. 224. Read the first word again. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. -Gandhi. I understand success cant happen overnight. Make it inspiring. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Yeah, so is a grenade. 8. You try again, but no sound is coming out. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. Your email address will not be published. Wilson Mizner, 262. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? George Burns A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 176. I want to afford them., 2. 240. Benjamin Franklin. 33. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? You deserve it! 46. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Charles M. Schulz. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. I will smile while I still have my teeth. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Rodney Dangerfield. Bill Murray, 257. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. 225. Ensure that your actions match your words. Nothing, they just waved. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. A backbone. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. 43. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. Leave me a if you agree! So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. 212. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. 133. Be careful when you follow the masses. 2. Focus on the positives and be grateful. 1. 177. 141. 180. We frequently doubt ourselves. 27. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. I release all shame about my body. 275. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. There are endless opportunities. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bette Midler. Also read: 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. So far, so good. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 106. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 61. - Donald Trump. 209. Roy Lichtenstein. Looking for positive funny affirmations? Never let anyone waste your time twice. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Im not insulting you. 210. 241. I tried, but they wanted cash. 158. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. They planet. You have to go after it with a club. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. - Bob Hope. 73. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. 15. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Chris Rock, 256. 217. 26. 184. - Billie Burke. P.D. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. Find a quiet place without distractions. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I love my body. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Swimming trunks. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 244. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 150. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 5. 44. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. 25. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks., 3. 11. I make a difference by showing up fully. Declare your affirmations slowly and clearly. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. "Have a great Wednesday. 192. I am full of vitality. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. 35. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 104. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 230. 228. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. It doesnt work if it is not open. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. I am on a seafood diet. Short Funny Affirmations. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 266. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. What is Mozart doing right now? But you can always be immature. 267. I see food, and I eat it. I understand people talking about me. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. When they go away, its a brighter day. 203. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 195. 167. 2. Microchips. You can't wait for inspiration. I tell you what always catches my eye. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. 176. 1. 131. 91. I am adventurous. 118. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 161. All rights reserved. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 42. I can do this. Sam Levenson 265. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. avoid carbs. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. 5. - TS Eliot. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? You wanna know who Im in love with? Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes.