I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. 1. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. person: Hey, hiya, rya? Assholes. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. But I dont want to? Im working on this myself. 1. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. 3. For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. I feel like its asking me to say yes or no to an invitation / commitment before I even know what it is (like, if youre having a party I might be free, but my babysitting quota is full for the month so no to that). Its 2018. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. after Ive made my piece clear. I get that. Shes moving and needs a van? Simply say something you're obviously not doing. I shall think on why. I can ask them on Monday how it was. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). Neighbor! Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Why does it need taking care of?? Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. If you dont want to go, just say so. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Thats just the question it looks like. That question from certain people stresses me too! I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. What is the stuff?? The cousin wanting a servant. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Is everyone busy? Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. (huge smile) I told you that this is our private time and we will not be walking with you! Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. Invitations are not commands. its differential equations, 2. ! OH ME TOO. Work it like a weekend warrior! Mentioning your actual plans is one. Giving my notebook a bath. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. Wondering why you're in here. And because family members pitch in. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. They need to stop it. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. That is AMAZING and I love Gladys (and you) and that is going directly into my repertoire for Dealing With Those Extroverts. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. Im right there with you. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. This applies in other areas of life too. I immediately turn it around on them. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Not everyone in my life always has. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. +1, Im the same way. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. My friends do it alllll the time. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. Just how I like it :).
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Texas Lieutenant Governor Election 2022 Candidates, Holyoke Drug Bust, Accident On 71 North Columbus Ohio Today, Articles F