It took me 27 years to realize I had married a narcissist . He said he would always love me but that I just wasnt able to forget the past. I understand this. It was my amazing family and the true friends I can now count on my fingers who propped me up. The trust we had is gone. I was sexually abused when I was 3 not by a parent / relative. He wanted what he wanted and he used whatever he could think of justify getting it. Im so lost and I dont know what to do. I wish I could take the pain away!I cant bear the thought this might take years to get over. Now all I want is bed and tears. The exact same thing happened to me! I didnt understand it at all l would always tell him if you want to be with other people please jut let me know l do not wish to be a part of that. He was the greatest dad, he still sees the kids but maybe once a week. He says he takes all bad things & works them for the good of those who believe. this feels like a nightmare for me and its hard for me to cope with on a daily basis. Now after he left you what 5 months ago you still have his stuff everywhere and clothes and golf clubs. I work everyday to get stronger and grateful for what I do have, but the hurt is unbearable.Why didnt he just tell me he found someone else and wanted a divorce?? His health issues are not serious. Best advice is to not waste your time trying to figure him out or wait from the call because it is true that life is passing you bye while youre waiting for him to prove that he respects you. I wasnt happy, i was controlled, questioned put up with his temper for long enough. I am so desperate not knowing how to get out of it. We all are animals Last Thursday in anger I took his remaining clothes to his home only to find another woman there preparing him dinner. They often feel offended by what they perceive as a general insensitivity to their "needs." As a result, they're . Lately he has been sleeping in the spare room, leaves in the morning to visit his parents, comes back and then blames me saying that he dosent want to be around someone miserable. No no no! She explains its natural to feel guilt, as its the bodys way of making sense of something unfathomable. And that sucks. Im not saying to use self-help books as a magic pill that will solve all your problems. And you cant necessary believe everything she says. Everyone keeps saying mid life crisis. We did renovations at her cottage from laying new floors to painting and installing a new wood stove. We are now 10 months after the filing and he has left again, stating he is trying to get his head straight. I feel broken, rejected, and unloved. My ex knew the lawyers and judges, actually they knew me too, which makes it even more egregious. Dont screw yourself. Ive talked to my family/friends but obviously its very hard for them to be impartial, and most of their advice has either been play a waiting game and wait for her to contact me, or forget about her and move on. Because of his looks people often say he's punching or ask him how he pulled me because I am a low profile runway model and I'd say I'm pretty conventionally attractive. I went into shock.. Anyone in a marriage affected by depression will benefit from the support of a counselor also. And got into dark goth vampire stuff.she told me it was all just a joke. But I never wouldve left. Good riddance this is over. And not a psychopath. I know we fought and that wasnt good for the kids but how can you just cut some one out of your life like shes done to me. I just want her back.. My husband left me about 19 years ago we were best friends for some years but when we got married he walked out on me I had broken my leg and was using cruches to get around he left me when I needed him the most I dont know why he left me he never tried to find me to explain hisself or why he did what he did nothing bad happened between us I cant seem to get pass this I think about what he did to me everyday and nite for the past 19 years I have been emotionaly upset over this and dont know what to do i just want answers. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Wow!!! I did everything I could to be a healthier partner. I kept my act together because I. I am a strong person, that helps. Ive always tried to change to be more what she wanted, but nope. We have 3 girls 10.11 and 13. But now that they reside with us again. He is compleyley taken care of and just because I can not work to earn my money he says its not mine . He literally got off with everything and got exactly what he wanted. Character counts, have some standards that you are not willing to make exceptions on. Latter he leaves the house and stay for days, some times weeks without telling me his whereabouts. Too bad you couldnt put a nanny cam in their house or have your oldest one record what goes on on the phone or something to prove to the police that the truth children are being mismanaged. Its hard to think that way. Jacob While its normal and noble to immediately feel like you would be willing and able to get over this infidelity its important that you know one thing. This has been like going through the pain of a 100 deaths. Weve been together just over 5 years and what I thought was happily married for almost 3. We lost our connection several years before I left. I know for some people, strength is a lot more difficult to find within, and some people may not have a support network around them, but with Mint Movement, I want you to know you are not alone. Do something nice fir her, like send flowers and say in the note dont give up in me yet. Something that may make her reconsider. Refuses to consider the possibility that if she actually wanted this back she would have to at least remove 100% every single reminder to me, just like she did for him when she moved him into my bed so quick Im sure he still smelt my farts lol. I have never done this before. I begged her to stay and to come to couples counselling which she refused, telling me to go to counsell on my own Love hurts. Hi Kelly, how are you doing these days? Hes in his mid 40s and literally has nothing, his mommy and daddy are still paying his way and completly enabling him to behave this way. You need to find someone who loves you, rather than someone that wants what they can get from you. 1. My husband of 25 years is leaving me. He did not handle all of it well and went behind my back and hired an attorney, took a large amount of money out of our savings and then a couple months later filed for divorce, all while living with me and our family, going to counseling and being intimate with me. I know the feeling I feel so alone. I dont even know where to start now. You have to take care. Mind you although we have split up things have been amazing in the last 2 years compared to how things were before hand. I have been on his plan for 21 years. I am starting to realize no matter how many of her fav mags I buy her or if I bring her flowers or chocolate cupcakes for treats constantly, she will barely even notice let alone understand how hard it is for me to choke it back and make that kind of effort again. This is unacceptable behavior from your husband. Moffa, now 76, had been married 52 years, and . It happened so often I barely paid attention. He told me in one go that he felt our marriage was over and also that he had been having a thing with another woman for two weeks. You might have understandable reasons to be mentally composing your packing list. Once you enter your information, youll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. Yes I will stick with you and let the girls know they are unfair and mean in the way they treat me. We have a son who is just under 2 and was born 10 weeks early. :). hi m Jesika m only 20 yrs old n my boyfriend which turns about 34 yrs who is already got married n divorced. If you are Christian, pray for there be justice n conviction lay upon your wife heart n soul n she will come to realization her mistake as she will not receive happiness by doing wrong to others. I lost my wife, two stepdaughters and someone I thought was a friend.I was good to her and never cheated. Hang in there. I dont know what to do.I know that i need companionship.I cant go through life alone.I miss her so much. My husband left me after 21 years to find his happiness and looking for an emotional connection because we were miles apart. When someone walks away from u let them walk ur destiny was never tied to anyone that left. You may have no kids, but you have all the time in the world for yourself. Cant sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. They dont even have to contain a mother or father, they could be aunts, uncles, your step-family or even friends. He left me broke. What Im trying to say is that it becomes about saving face. Everytime there is a family outing with his family he always picks on me for the smallest thing, it always gets blown out of proportion and I dont end up going. Let him feel remorse for a little while and give him the time to miss you and appreciate you once again. Sometimes when a person leaves, they are unhappy not because they dont love you, but because they are hiding something. (2009). maybe all you can do is find the best in good people and treat yourself and them with respect. . The night we separated he told me he loved me but, Not in that way anymore. one big reason for her change,A year ago she quit taking antidepressant meds cold turkey and went through menopause at the same time, and it made her change not just mentally, but physically she totally changed her appearance. Too make it short our son had to go with me to pick up her car several times her friends brought her car home once before she drove her car off road through a mailbox into a tree totaled car was able to get past cop because he was looking for signs of alcohol let her manipulate him with a phantom car story and I was not notified until her car was towed to a lot. You have known him for a week and you invite him into my bed with our children and you get suspiciously soo tired your eyes are rolling to the back of your head??? You can keep your self-esteem high by working on yourself and becoming more confident. This has seemed to stifle his attacks on me for being at fault for his unhappy life. I will relate it to what I experienced; maybe it will help someone else. That is the latest science. Build yourself back up. And they spoke to their daughter over phone. So until that happens, dont waste minutes precious minutes and time thinking about what he did to you or how you wanted to change. The very best i could do is tip toe and stear her away from the many triggers for her depression and rage. Nothing showed. 1. They are apps you can install on a cell phone that is undetectable to the person, yet you will be sent reports of calls, texts etc. After 15 years she announced that we never should have gotten married. Mental illness in a spouse requires a whole other article which I will write. Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving marriages. They CAN modify with proper treatment and overcome IF they are willing to work their treatment regime. I think the worst part is I feel like Ive had my heart ripped out with no closure, as I was left no explanation to her leaving, and pieced over the night that she hadnt been being honest with me about what she had been doing, who shes been seeing etc. She asks for more and more me days and now I have the kids every single weekend. We had a good but quiet weekend. Congrats!! If he doesnt get a rise out of me, he becomes enraged and starts drama then tries to blame it on me. This went on until October 2015. We were happy. He is 17 months. As soon as she had her degree and job, she didnt need me anymore at least thats how Ive chosen to see it. I am drowning in my grief. It will get better. He wants to be there for me, still my bes friend and has so much respect for me. I dont think he is as he has a very close relationship with his family. Perhaps your husband has a personality disorder. I know how you feel. I dont know who to treat him. Well, self-esteem is highly important in any relationship. My partner of 7 year left me 10 weeks ago, She is 40 and i am 47 and she had an affair when with a guy i know who is 49 after her father died. Its safe to say its probably in the bloodline, and Ive got great role models there. Even when I knew I didnt do anything, I got blame for it. Read more inspiring stories of single moms: At 7 months pregnant, I found messages online to a dozen women, telling them he hated me, wished I was dead. Wow. I tried so hard to choke it all back as I rushed out of there. Stay Focused, Pray, Keep Faith and Believe . I instantly felt fear, anger, and guilt wash over. Over the past year he has been leaving me in the dark about a lot of stuff. Oh my God. and there is hope. You will probably find things thaT you might enjoy to do that you could not do before. It must be hard especially having little ones. But really, act like your all shocked and surprised? What would you suggest in regards to your post that you made some days in the past? Saving the relationship when youre the only one trying is tough but it doesnt always mean your relationship should be scrapped. Btw He also says they wont get by with their adultery! I got your comment. I am in shock. How do you deal with him not loving you anymore, he felt unappreciated, he started heavily texting another married woman for over a month, and you dont have anything in common? Right now you need to make the correct decisions for you and only you. Most likely you fell out of love because you decided to stop loving your partner or you decided that you loved someone or something else even more. Well I am the adulterous turned bunny boiler. We were happy, we valued each others company, we always went through any hardships together. He states he has not talked to the other women since I found out and that it was completely over when he left the first time. "We are outside, and it's important.". Because sinners are selfish! My wife had insisted on getting a new house before we were ready. Any help and opinions would be gratefully appreciated. finally her mom gets ahold of her and she calls me and says I can pick up the girls now. Rediscover that now. "My wife left me alone for nearly two years while I was away for work and . I asked if there was someone else she said of course but right now I dont know what to believe please help thanks Derek, My situation isnt all that different man. My estranged husband wants a divorce after 23 years. Then my wife was charged with felonies 2 for fraud and 1 for forgery.. in 2015 she switch to alcohol now she has driven me and our kids out of the house to my parents I am biblical and believe I cannot get a divorce because what the Bible says. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search. Im sorry for what you are going through Im in the exact same boat Married 17 years too he left this is my husbands 2nd affair Its sickening how a spouse can do this.. Keep me posted on how things are going for you. In the gloomy pale shadow of the night, Samantha lies on her bed. A year and a half has passed and she calls me one day, we broke up and I need your help with the kids. As far as how your feeling, its the worst. I say things before I realize it and then it is just to late I care about love and passion and family, but if I tell him he laughs and says we dont need that. We did counselling were he was told he had: PTSD and depression- of course there was nothing wrong with him. They gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship, including practical advice on how to overcome the issues I was facing. Its mind blowing. I lost it! Ive lost my best friend, majority of custody of my daughter, my family home, my values and my wife. I must stay strong this time and never speak to her again. That some young girl paid attention to him. Feeling a little bette . This order is supposed to save lives not ruin them. That happened to a friend of mine and he a lot of her settlement and then spent it and then got divorced and she couldnt get it back. Since than we had a very bad fight only one day after my 40th birthday and l havent heard from him scence. Its not fair of you to hold a grudge and try to get your husband back when hes more than likely done with you. I beg you to take me from here: Spousal abandonment and the experience of separation in flight from persecution. Cant eat or sleep, I feel depressed. I am devastated, cant eat, have a pain inside me, dont want anyone to know and have always thought we would be together forever. My ex mistress got me arrested and the charges were dismissed by he stood by her as if I was wrong the judge agreed with me though I was telling the truth. We saw your comment and are sorry to hear you are experiencing this difficulty. She told me she had more energy than everyone in her family and felt like she was waisting away. Hi my husband has a habit, of being with me for about 4-5months , then takes off to do any and every thing for about two weeks . Rage that would be primarily directed towards friends and family. He called my 93 year old mother and told her he threw me out!! Tired of the fight. She has also began lying, eg i found out she was seeing a counsellor, she said they were actually friends, but I have seen she has been paying her fees on her bank statements. She indicates someone whos been through abuse or bullying, for example, may be hypervigilant of acts that minimally resemble betrayal. Just feel like venting a bit. If he was the man for me he wouldnt of left me. Please pray for me. She promised she was done . And also pointing out that you did state youll be using he/she alternately so as to not take sides which means that it could be by any partner. I stuck with him and eventually the drinking did become better however I had difficulty fully trusting him after the first infidelity about two years in to our marriage. Any problem she has she phones the bloke she left me for is a condescending arse this was not the first affair ive since found out there have been 4 in the last ten years I knew about one and worked hard 6 years ago to forgive and forget . My grandmother raised 3 girls on her own as a widower at just 42. In this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. My husband went away on a trip with a friend and came back depressed and unhappy with his life. The reason I write this is again there is evil and i have seen it all my life but the most important thing to remember is the signs people give. Practice letting go. Everyone says it gets better but I can see myself 19 years from now crying and asking why as well. I was a stay Hm dad for 3 years and I think it caused the divorce. Its just an observation but she seems to have also removed all responsibility from her life its scary. How about that? Completely unaware of what had transpired I was thinking we really needed to talk. We have a daughter, and kids cant keep a marriage together. I do not know if it is love. My wife is leaving me after 24 years and I was great to her and she even admitted it but got bored with me and started treating me terrible. My husbanda and u got married at a very young age, I was 20 and he was 23. Dh comes over to see kids every night. You dont have to be with them forever and ever, but they can help you through this time of your life. He consistently talks down to me, even though I am highly intelligent, like Im a child who needs scolding. Respond to me let me know how youre doing :). When Depressed Husbands Refuse Help. Im saying this because professional coaches at Relationship Hero helped me not only once but twice to get through a difficult time in my love life. Take care Don. Hes cut that off and I am bereft no kiss, no cuddle, no sweet goodbye when he sees me off to work. And it would show your wife youre trying still. Why she chose to lie about this i do not know, but she has been clearly hiding things from me for several months. Despite the length of a relationship, each partner must be committed to doing their share of the work, and communicating their own needs. now i got to know of her infidelity causing her to move out of the house, leaving the 3 grown up children with me. Their best advice was for me to just get pregnant., My husband left me after going into a depression. Exercise and stay busy . If you are married and these things happen, underlying all of it, if there is a commitment to stay the course, and do the work to overcome these sorts of issues, couples can come back from all sorts of problems. Its just interesting that two years went by and he never once mentioned anything about being unhappy since the former conversation but felt justified to leave because he had a conversation two years prior to him leaving. I told her actions speak louder than words and ur refusing to talk but abandoning me to leave the state. We separated, married other people, which we both confessed to each were the wrong people. Anyone in your situation would be willing to do anything to save their relationship, but broken trust and betrayal like this is very hard to get over. After my heart attack I found out she was talking to an ex boyfriend, having an emotional affair. When we met we had both been divorced so we started with the big stuff. Your partner doesnt have anything in common with you anymore. I begged begged prayed prayed prayed and became closer to god than I ever had been in my life.. my wife slept in a coma state almost ever day for over a year. As the spouse of a narcissist, I need to be strong and educate . Its going to cost me a fortune, but I have no choice. Falling out of love in a marriage happens over time and is usually due to neglect on the part of one or both partners. They have always talked and been friends through this whole separation. The whole time that she was awake she was on her Kindle playing Trivia and conversing with men. My wife of 14 total, 11 married just is done. Going through the same this year. 8. Well I was very scared and in a state of nervousness myself. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. I know I need to shake out of this and after the first go round it probably shouldnt hurt this much.. Only it does. In the month it took for me to pull myself together enough to find the help I need and make the arrangements she moved out of our home and withdrew from me even more. Pschycopath, sociopath or narcissist, because he has no empathy, guilt, nothing, no feeling..this is hard for me to grasp, because I feel its my fault and I have fix it or me There You go!! Thank you I needed to hear this because my relationship is in trouble and Im so in love with him, Uvette So from experience, I know how emotionally tolling that is on your wife. It sounds life a lot of work, but its not. I guess they been talking about kids were emotions came back and he told me that not to hate him but he had to go cuz he want to be with his kids and I found text from her saying hi babe I miss you. So that l will never ever go back to him . I was devastated. Well she had this doctor at a private office that she worked with get him to start prescribing mess for her. Paul thats interesting. Finding that on Facebook is a huge red flag. And I am 129 lbs 5-4, & socially bi resulting from his pillow talk request, so he has had many fantasies come true. Usually it is a combination of both, dont you think? For me Im hoping we can get back to normal but there is some doubt. I have been through this, and I know that sometimes it may seem like your marriage is over, but it might not be. My fianc and I live far away from each other and maybe see each other every other weekend. Hes not acted any different or said a thing. People snap. By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org'sTerms and Conditions of Use. But most of the time do not want to come home. Sometimes youve got to just let it go. Only her family and closest friends knew she was actually dealing with a devastating situation that is all too familiar to . I learnt from my partner of two and half years that any relationship can work. The answer is how can we make you happy and ease your feelings. I didnt take money from the family to buy stuff for myself, I didnt spend a bunch of our money on pain pills and lose my job while my wife was five months pregnant, I didnt cheat, I didnt constantly lie about everything. Ive loved my partner for 27 years and still do. My now separated wife has called the police on me for suicide watch (ive never been suicidal) and also called childrens aid because I might be a physical danger to our son (the only hitting Ive ever done is on the hockey rink). The number one rule of Christianity is forgiveness. The kids will see you live life happier and fuller than ever before and they will follow suit. Weve always argued, thats how we get along, but each time someone says Ive had a gutful of this there is an underlying hurt of all the things said when you get back to normality. Youve got to understand that sometimes no matter what you do its just not good enough for that other person. Ok. What would people do in my situation. Hi l married my husband about 12yrs ago we had split for about 8yrs and just 3months he popped back in the picture. None of these are what God intended for marriage. The truth hurts us, but it also helps us to move on quicker. And worst of all, my spirit is broken. You deserve better and just live better than he does. and yes even now he is with his lover and left me in another state by myself. Love to hear feedback, please comments welcome. Now is dating a married woman who walked out on her husband and kids to be with mine. I have been with my partner for 5 years we live together, our relationship was very fiery at the start there was quite a few break ups over various reasons, in the last 2years we havent split up once or even had a big enough argument to consider doing that, we have had petty little arguments but thats about all. My husband from the time they were little. I try to tell her shes embarrassing herself my kids and me with her behavior but she doesnt care. Ghosting doesnt always mean the offending party is being intentional. Im so confused I thought thats why I was there everyday. Hug So I crumpled and grabbed a couple bags of clothes and left like she demanded. He obviously had no intentions of returning. Even after this I still love/loved him, but I had no idea what to do or how to proceed. Try and stay strong, I know how it feels. Hes 45 yo, 21 years married. That there was my mistake in itself. Why pretend you want to save our family? He calls everyday and when he walks in the door he comes straight to me to hug me and give me a kiss on the head. I know that whatever is meant to happen will and nothing will be too much for me too handle as Im not in this alone. I also found out she was picking up meds for patients . Its a horrible way to live, he leaves constantly when things dont go his way, wont marry me (although we were engaged 6 months into our relationship) wont move in and keeps leaving me, sleeping with other woman then reeling me right back in with emotional BS! It really hurts. Call him in a mistake made, water under the bridge. From my perspective your husband saying that he is not happy could mean several things: 1. They would go to the same school dances. It just goes to show that when people are emotional can become defensive and only understand whats written in their own way regardless of whats written, from reading some of the comments. Dont you think you deserve better than that????